||[Sep. 8th, 2011|06:15 pm]
The Dragon of Life
The game begins with the players staring at the map, wondering what their next move should be!
Falgrim: Three doors down?
Inferian: I can’t see three doors down, my third eye is blind.
Falgrim: (looking at a plastic bag) Why isn’t this big enough to go over your head?
Inferian: (proudly) I have a bigass head.
A few crude jokes about candy and video games, ensue, nothing particularly witty or relevant by the group’s admittedly aberrant standards. It skews towards rank inflation in video game titles.
DM: I already have the nerd stamp tattooed on my head like a lightning bolt, I don’t need to go around…
Calinai: Calm down, 80,000 Gamer Points, maybe you should be quiet.
The players reposition their miniatures. Falgrim notes that his dwarf characters occasionally tend towards drunkenness. Inferian uses his Belt of Healing on Valiha, to get her above her 6 HP.
Calinai: I still have all my heals, you won’t let me use them!
DM: You’re three rooms into the dungeon. I haven’t tried extremely hard to have you die here, but…
Calinai: Me not using my heals is not gonna get her healed up, it’s not like my heals are gonna be a waste.
DM: This is true.
Inferian: But it’s more efficient for me to use it out of combat, at 2d6 a charge, then you could save yours for in-combat.
Calinai: It’d be awesome if I could use other domain spells for heal. This class would be so broken, so fast. I can’t wait till I can actually start using my class.
Inferian sets off an on adventure for another Magic Item Compendium, then spies one near Falgrim.
Falgrim: This? (pointing at the MIC)
Falgrim: Okay. Just wanted to make sure that was what you were pointing at.
A pause. Inferian reaches over and takes the book while Falgrim sits there placidly.
Calinai: “This? All right!” God damn it, Falgrim, you are an asshole.
Falgrim and Calinai discuss a gaming shop not far from a nearby mall.
Inferian: I was very drunk when I went there. I rolled up a character there, apparently. I don’t remember any of the details, but he had three natural 18s! I was in a trash can when I came to.
Falgrim: Then I got killed by an elf.
Calinai: The next time I run D&D, I’m gonna have a bunch of stat sheets with numbers on it, keep ‘em upside down, have you guys pull the sheet!
Inferian: You rigged this so I would get the one with all 5s, didn’t you.
Calinai: Yes, you are the retard of the group and I expect you to talk like one until your Int is above 10!
Inferian: (looking at the DM) Are you frantically trying to compensate for us derailing the adventure?
DM: ..I never rolled treasure… Which book is it again that has the psionic treasures that you covet?
Calinai: Shit on ‘em. Shit on ‘em! Shit on those treasures! You find them but there’s shit all over it! Permanent stench of poop stains the item.
Inferian: …Why do we ever let her DM anything again?
Calinai: It’s not like I do that in my game!
Inferian: Yeah, we just get no treasure.
Valiha: We get turds.
Inferian: We get C4 and Kevlar vests.
Calinai: What the hell else would these guys carry? Oh, he happens to have a magic sword of +2, yeah right!
Inferian: It’s been handed down his family for generations.
Calinai: Fucking…. EONS!
The game begins properly. Calinai is all but forced down a hall to open the door. Inferian notes that Falgrim’s mini’s eyes are exactly at Valiha’s mini’s breast-height. No one can search the room effectively, since no one has the skill. The DM furiously attempts to prevent them from seeing into the room, but Falgrim wears him down with darkvision and finally a sunrod. The DM begins drawing on the map.
Falgrim: It’s a giant bull with two rings in its nostrils!
DM: It’s a very lame rendition of a very large chest. That is not a mimic. I’m being meta, I don’t give a fuck, it’s not a mimic!
Falgrim: It’s not a tooomah!
Inferian: You guys have only ever encountered two mimics ever, I like how it’s scarred you for life.
Calinai: We can never be SAFE now!
Falgrim: Because you used them far too well.
For history’s sake, the first and most infamous of the mimics occurred in the first Birthright game, when Barack detected evil coming from a bookshelf, and Hendlar stepped forward to peer curiously through said shelf, only to have the shelf fall on him and attempt to devour it. Inferian threatens to find the three infamous monsters that mimic the floor, walls, and ceiling; Falgrim vows to make every monster in his campaign immune to tripping…
Calinai: This is how we get back at each other, we just have our ongoing games so we can just fuck with us… fight over who’s next. “Yes, you all are gonna wish you were dead!”
Falgrim: We’re taking notes. “All right, okay, you bastard…”
DM: That’s what this campaign is…
Calinai: Our game is nothing but – we don’t try to kill the players, we make them kill themselves. “My character’s had enough of this!”
Valiha: I’m gonna bring the Amber diceless rules and we’ll see what real fucking over is like.
DM: As of yet, the only person I’ve taken vengeance on is the person I didn’t set out to take any vengeance on.
Calinai: So there’s a fake chest here, you said?
Inferian: No, it’s a real chest.
DM: But you still can’t see in the perfect and utter blackness of the room.
Inferian: Falgrim lit a sunrod!
The chest is locked, and no one can open locks. They don’t even have a Knock spell handy!
Inferian: “I propose we solve this the old-fashioned way. Violence.”
Calinai: “Why do you always sound like you have a bad cold? I’m gonna find a cure your voice spell.”
Inferian: “I would appreciate it. My vocal cords were damaged due to extensive smoke inhalation, during the fire that burned down my family’s mansion if you must know.”
Inferian: “Yes, really.”
Falgrim: Okay. I part everyone from the door, go back in the greenhouse, and get a running start. “AAAAAAAAH!”
Falgrim somehow drop-kicks the lock. His roll is excellent and his Strength check is even better. Somehow it lapses into the old Dungeons and Dragons cartoon, in which the very concept of the Cavalier is savaged. For some reason, the This Big minature is placed on the map.
DM: As you get to your feet… apparently the chest is this big.
Calinai: There’s an old man, he’s so happy we freed him!
DM: Yeah, frickin’ Mad-Eye Moody pops out of the chest.
Falgrim: “Ya want some Polyjuice Potion?”
The DM describes the shattered lock and lid of the chest; Falgrim’s efforts had been quite adequate to gain access!
DM: As you get to your feet, the lock slowly gives up the ghost and falls to the ground.
Inferian: Now we have to fight the ghost.
DM: Ghost. Of a lock. Lock ghost. Challenge rating HALF. “I’ll lock yooooou!”
Inferian: Aww, he’s locked my pants shut!
Falgrim puts his back and groin into lifting open the chest. The chest has many shelves, and most importantly, a keyring laden with keys! They skip all the flavor text and head straight for the treasure.
DM: On the bottom, you find, stacked neatly (although I’m sure that will come to ruin as you collect them) 420 gold pieces.
Falgrim: Ten platinum bars!
DM: No, I’m not gonna do that shit! Everything I roll I translate into gold pieces!
Calinai: You find three tapestries! God damn it!
Inferian: I’m sorry, they’re a legitimate source of wealth!
Calinai: We’re in an old, ruined dungeon, been around for oh, two hundred years, we find some perfectly good tapestries just strewn about the place in mint condition!
Inferian: What, you think there are moths down here?
Another scroll shows up, along with a masterwork shield. The group briefly squabbles over loot-tracking duty. Having done all the exploring in this area possible, they send the dancing lights ahead. The DM calls for a spot check; Inferian succeeds and spies spider webs crisscrossing the hall ahead of them. Calinai, irritated that her roll was not even necessary, prepares to burn the web.
Inferian: Let’s look for spiders.
Calinai: Well we could BURN the spiders!
Inferian: If the fire doesn’t kill them they’ll leap down and attack us. 28.
Calinai: Ah ha, but I rolled in time, with a twenty… uh, seven.
Inferian: Ha ha!
Calinai: Oh wait, I forgot to add my pet!
Inferian: 29, awwwww.
They spy a large spider up there, which charges for them! Literally. Initiative! Five minutes later, combat actually begins! Valiha shoots it with her crossbow for 5. Falgrim prepares to charge it!
Falgrim: Squirt! All of you are enveloped with acid!
Inferian: Acid spider!?
DM: Power Word: Kill!
Inferian: DM, we need to have a long talk about interpreting challenge ratings if you’re Power Word: Killing us.
Calinai: That’d be hilarious. “What, is something wrong?”
Inferian: God damn it, DM.
DM: If only it were so. If only I could fit a bigger spider into the dungeon dimensions…
Inferian: He’s using the 2E ‘Skills and Powers’. His spider god grants him Power Word: Kill on command.
DM: It says ‘fifteen foot reach’, that means poking at you, right?
Inferian: Fifteen foot?! Jesus, we’re in trouble.
DM: It IS big.
Calinai: Wait, what?! Wow.
Inferian: It didn’t even need to move forward to reach us! From right there it would’ve been able to reach either one of us!
The spider attempts to bite Inferian, but luckily misses.
DM: That will bring it to Falgrim, who perhaps is saving your bacon.
Inferian: Are you charging? It’s getting an attack of opportunity on you with that reach.
Falgrim: I’ll take it. I’ll Power Attack the shit out of it.
DM: (Rolling, then laughing) Apparently it welcomes the attack of opportunity with open arms, saying hit me please! In its overeagerness to eat Inferian it apparently has exposed a vital spot. Perhaps spiders are… soft, underneath!
Falgrim: “Aaaaagh!” Does a 19 hit it?
Inferian: If it doesn’t, we’re in trouble.
DM: It does.
Calinai: At that size, I would hope so.
Calinai mocks the power of the spider god, lampshading again that the characters would attempt to use it every single time they weren’t supposed to and neglect it the one time they did. Which of course happened. Falgrim’s 22 damage nearly guts the spider in a spray of ichor; his beard once again takes the brunt of it. Inferian, believing it has no remaining AOOs, steps forward and longspears it. Calinai unleashes Fiery Burst, igniting the spider and its webs. Valiha shoots it again!
Inferian: Hew it again, it ain’t dead yet. (beat) I said hew it again, it ain’t dead yet.
DM: Recognizing Falgrim as the one that’s opened it from end to end… makes a last biting attempt. Its teeth latch into you.
DM: 13 points of ouchy-ouch damage, and make a Fortitude save.
Falgrim: Ha! I’m a dwarf, this thing has no chance. 27.
DM: The poison fails.
Inferian: The poison bursts out of his body, you literally see his immune system kicking it out. One big white blood cell.
Falgrim: “Get outta here.”
Marginally buzzed but otherwise unpoisoned, Falgrim whacks it for 24. That of course finishes it. Without hesitation they look ahead! They see a pile of bones, along with many more bones suspended in the web above.
Inferian: “This was a very busy spider.”
Falgrim: “Aye, that it was.”
Inferian: “Anybody know how to identify bones?”
Falgrim: (making a show of studying an object) “Yep, it’s a bone.”
The party piles into the bone piles to search for treasure. They find some, to the tune of 200 gold! Valiha finds a mystery vial (which Falgrim writes down as MYSVIAL). They search for secret doors, find nothing, then search again applying Falgrim’s stonecunning. He detects a cave-in.
Inferian: “So, with your dwarven nose, you CAN smell what the rock is cooking.”
More casting of light spells. They head around a corner to a straight, small hallway with no doors or obvious signs of, well, anything. Calinai keeps an eye on the ceiling as they cautiously advance. Falgrim, in front, belatedly notices a small depression just in time for spikes to burst out of the walls!
Inferian: Roll your Reflex Saving Throw! “Reflex, aww.”
Falgrim: He doesn’t have a terrible Reflex, he’s actually a pretty dexterous dwarf. 21.
DM: Striking various stylish poses, you manage to avoid about half of the different-angled spear thrusts. You do however still take…
Calinai: 57 points of piercing damage. “What kind of trap was this?!”
Falgrim: Player-ending one.
Inferian: Roll a new character trap!
Calinai: There’s just these traps that murder players. You have a chance of a Reflex save, like an asshole. “I save, I only take half damage!” “Half of 159.”
He only takes 12 damage, though. The trap attempts to reset, but mostly breaks from sheer age. They proceed forward even MORE cautiously before Inferian gets fed up with the pace and send his psicrystal ahead.
Calinai: “Me no like crystal smash!” BOOM BOOM BOOM!
Inferian: That seems unlikely.
Calinai: BOOM BOOM BOOM!
Inferian: What, is there a Thwomp in that hallway?!
Calinai questions how Amazon tribes survive, out of nowhere. Inferian begins unwrapping Smarties. Calinai notices this.
Calinai: Why – JUST EAT THEM ONE AT A TIME! WHY ARE YOU MAKING A PILE?! IT PISSES ME OFF! WHY DO YOU DO IT?!
DM: It’s kind of like eating a block of cheese, you could just cut one piece at a time, or you could slice the whole goddamn thing up.
Calinai: But he’s opening – no! No! This is more like having a bunch of packages –
DM: If it didn’t annoy you so much he probably wouldn’t do it.
Calinai: No, there’s a bunch of packages of cheese and you open every one of them and cut a bit from each package! That’s what he’s doing!
DM: I suppose the analogy wasn’t… tenable, to the…
Inferian: (laughing) You have anger problems, dude.
Calinai: STOP – JUST OPEN ONE AT EAT IT! THIS IS SO RIDIC – YOU’RE MESSING SHIT UP! Fucking sugar dust all over the fucking place!
DM: “Commoner fooooood?!”
The group spends a minute or two mocking Drusila and her compulsion to bake cookies for the ghost, then turn back to the game without further comment. The group advances sloooowly forward in the wake of the psicrystal. Falgrim’s stonecunning detects nothing as he rounds the corner, but he rolls a Spot check as well!
DM: Well, you see the long hallway that Inferian’s psicrystal related to him, as you round the corner.
Calinai: But he did not tell you about the 27 goblins looking right at us!
Inferian: D’oooh, psicrystal, I told you to tell me everything.
DM: No, your roll was good that you’d have seem a small goblin army around the corner.
Falgrim: All right, since this is a normal hallway, we’ll just keep going.
DM: Who’s in the back?
Calinai: She is. (indicating Valiha)
DM: All right.
Calinai: “I still don’t see anything on this ceiling, it’s getting boring watching!”
DM: Calinai, roll YOUR Spot check!
Calinai: 20, modified.
DM: From a 7?!
Inferian: You have a plus 13?
Calinai: …no, I’m looking at my snake’s bonus.
DM: The ceiling is very pretty. Valiha, did you manage to spot anything? Apparently not. You look up in time to see a pair of tentacles wrapping themselves around your throat.
Valiha: Oh shit!
Calinai: We hear a scream... none of us are looking back there, either! “I guess we should keep moving on!”
DM: Calinai, you recoil in horror only to notice another pair of spindly hands are doing the same!
Calinai: I BURN THEM!
Initiative! They’re facing a pair of creatures clinging to the wall, roughly humanoid with long spindly arms and long, suckered hands. Falgrim has heard stories of these creatures, which they call chokers! Many sexual molestation jokes are made. Brief arguments occur over Spot checks and reach; Inferian mocks the DM’s fresh experience at getting grief from the players over rulings. Calinai yells a lot.
DM: They won’t last long!
Inferian: Five rounds later our bloated corpses float to the surface.
DM: Everything I’ve thrown at you has been, like, CR 2 in small groups!
Falgrim: How do they float to the surface…?
Inferian: I fired off a sonic burst, it breaks the walls, water rushes in…
Calinai: What? We don’t get much experience from CR 2s… not if the math is right.
DM: But by the end you’ll have killed a LOT of CR 2s.
Calinai: We haven’t got experience yet?
DM: No! I haven’t given you any.
Inferian: We’re not getting any.
DM: I haven’t given you the outside dungeon XP because it wouldn’t be enough to level you anyhow.
Inferian: Like I said, the only way he can stop us from getting too powerful is by NOT giving us experience.
Calinai: The whole game is nothing but “No, we’re just gonna get to the end of this dungeon to get some experience!”
Falgrim: The longest dungeon ever.
Inferian: “We’re kinda in the middle of the next encounter, can we wait?” Then next time it’s like 1001 Nights, where she’s always in the middle of a story so he always let her live one more night to tell the story, and she’d start another story within the story, and then when it was done she’d start another story so he wanted to see how it ended. We finish the campaign, “oh we just went from level 4 to level 27, that’s wonderful.”
Rules over reach, the chokers’ arm length, and how attacks work become arguments.
Calinai: I’ve never seen these creatures before.
Inferian: They exist, I know of them.
Calinai: I know, I’m just saying -- (realizing what Inferian said, and turning on him with the dirtiest look imaginable)
All: (bursting into laughter)
Calinai: I HAVEN’T SEEN THEM BEFORE! That’s all I’m saying! Did I say I didn’t believe you?! Why did you answer me? I don’t understand it! “I haven’t seen them before!” “Oh they exist!” You fucking asshole! I hate you so fucking much! You’re so fucking stupid sometimes!
Calinai continues to rant while the group, Inferian especially, laughs themselves to tears. The chokers briefly pop out of and back into existence due to the doubt and belief in them. Valiha wanders back downstairs and questions what all the noise was, prompting a total rehash of the yelling and laughing. The battle FINALLY commences, with more argument over attacking the arms. Calinai is being choked! Falgrim riskily fires into melee, but misses. Calinai Fiery Bursts! Inferian crits with his crossbow for 14.
DM: The one that’s holding Calinai?
Inferian: Yes, I’ll try to save Calinai for some reason. “Oh right, the tits.”
Calinai: I’m in your party, you jackass!
Calinai: Next time he runs out of healing belt, he’s on the ground, five hit points left. “What? Oh, I’m supposed to heal you!”
Inferian: “Why is it bad that I think you have nice tits?”
Calinai: “It’s not, you should just help me for other reasons!”
Falgrim: Instead of healing with the belt, she just takes it off and starts beating you with it.
The choker falls, dead. The other continues to attack, but misses. Ranged weapons are scarce on Falgrim’s sheet, so he ponders. Eventually he decides to simply hurl his dwarven waraxe, then nails the choker even at a high penalty.
Inferian: Good aim.
Calinai: “You talked normally! You’re doing that on purpose! It was all a lie! Your family’s happy somewhere! Is that what you do to get the girls? Tell ‘em about the sad story?!”
Inferian: “Oh it’s true, it’s all true! I’m a poser!”
Calinai: Hold on, I’m having a conversation about his –
The final choker is dead. The party regroups and continues on. Three doors present themselves. The group decides to clear out the inevitable fight in the large inner room first. Inferian listens at the door.
DM: You hear rustling and, uh…
Calinai: It’s the ladies’ and men’s bathroom.
Falgrim: “Betcha the ladies’ is much nicer.”
DM: Rustling, what sounds like footsteps, and you also hear hushed voices.
It is the goblin tongue! LOTR jokes ensue, but the party needs to plan in silence…
Inferian: Wild Surge for 2, and I’ll establish a mindlink to all of us.
Falgrim: “GET OUT OF ME HEAD! AAAAAAAAAAH!”
Inferian: “There are goblinoids on the other side.”
DM: “The goblins that attacked you were servants of Golblineto.”
Inferian: Master of goblins.
DM: Master of goblinism!
Inferian: He flies by having goblins throw him!
They continue to listen at the door, idly discussion 1920s pornography for no good reason. The goblins continue to mutter but say nothing of importance, so the players at last begin pondering their options to deal with this threat.
Inferian: “Perhaps we could quietly push open the door and lure one out into the hallway.”
Falgrim: “That doesn’t work in my campaign, why would it work here?”
Inferian: “This isn’t your campaign.”
DM: “What was that?” “Aah, it’s nothing. Back to muttering.”
Inferian: “It sounds like a boar.”
Calinai: “You could talk in Goblin and try to lure them out through some kind of trick.”
Falgrim: “Aye, how’s your accent these days?”
Inferian: “Pretty Goblinic.”
Calinai: But what he doesn’t realize is that these guys are part of the High-Voiced Tribe With Perfect Vocal Cords. “He’s not one of us! Get him!”
Inferian stands down the hall and makes a hue and cry to lure the goblins out, so the remaining party members can take the group by surprise from behind. The DM calls for a Bluff check; Inferian expends a magic item to get a +2.
Inferian: Let’s see here, a 28.
Inferian: I actually have ranks in Bluff.
The goblins –actually bugbears -- fall for it and burst out of the door! The DM puts down a LOT of goblin miniatures on the map. The group begins taking its surprise round actions!
Inferian: Noo, a natural 1, I drop my longspear.
Calinai: You were so exciting about your plan working! “YEAH, GO GO GO awww..”
Falgrim starts whacking away with AOOs at the goblins, while Calinai casts Burning Hands. Valiha fires her crossbow. The sum damage count is several damaged bugbears and two dead!
DM: The third bugbear, filled with horror as he is –
Falgrim: Shits himself.
DM: Still brings his weapon to bear.
Falgrim: Oh, brave one. Smelly brave one.
Initiative! Falgrim steps up, casts Detect AC by failing to confirm a crit, but still Power Attacks for 26, leaving only one bugbear standing.
Valiha: I miss him.
DM: Your bolt strikes home in Inferian’s chest!
Valiha: It wasn’t that bad!
DM: No. I can only hope. Next time then!
Inferian: I like how he’s already trying to kill me character.
Calinai: How would she – she would miss BOTH of us to hit him!
DM: You know like in Robin Hood, where the camera would follow the arrowhead.
Inferian: He’s short and you’re flat-chested, it’s an easy miss.
Calinai: “He’s so all over the place! First he was commenting about saving me for my tits, now I don’t have tits, it’s so confusing! And that voice…” Whenever you go to a bar and you actually try to hit on women… “He’s just faking it, don’t let him tell you about his family that he doesn’t have, his mom and dad are very happy.”
Inferian: I draw my morningstar, step forward, and miss.
For some reason everyone gets the power to kill Inferian. They also plan to give their missing player a vasectomy for his birthday. Another bugbear steps out of the room.
DM: This bugbear, slightly larger than the rest, although they’re all in pieces around you, big for a bugbear is not terribly big but this one is slightly bigger, slightly paler.
Inferian: What is he wearing?
DM: He’s wearing a bit of, uh, he’s got a chain shirt –
Inferian: Booyah! Lightning time.
DM: The mistake of the bugbear race, apparently, is choosing to armor themselves.
Calinai: It’s like an extra +2 to the attack roll, it doesn’t really do that much!
Inferian: To be fair +3 IS fifteen percent greater chance that I’ll hit.
Calinai: I know, but the way you describe it it sounded like it was gonna do an extra 5d6 of damage, I expect you need to go, “One, two,” then grab all the dice and be like “he takes 57 points of lightning damage.” It seemed so anticlimactic in my own head. “All right, I get +2 to attack rolls!” Oh.
The boss bugbear screams out insults at Falgrim, swings, and crits him for 16. Falgrim returns a power attack of 24. Valiha channels Shocking Grasp through her sword, hitting for 14. That sends it to its grave! Corpse-searching times, as they quickly check on the next room, which proves to be the barracks. They stink. However, searching nets them 200 gold!
Calinai: I’ll find a relatively decent bedroll I can roll up and place atop my pack… because I don’t HAVE a bedroll.
DM: Taking one with you, then? Very good.
Inferian: We did kind of abandon our camp, didn’t we.
Calinai: Yes, there’s no telling what the fuck happened to it now!
Inferian: We’re gonna have to go back and –
DM: A couple of worgs were having a tug-of-war with his tent. The ones that didn’t get any share of your pack animals.
Falgrim: “Worse case scenario, it’ll smell of wolf piss.”
Calinai: “We’ll use this tent as our shit tent!”
Inferian: A great pile of worg dung has piled on top of the door to the dungeon, so when you open it, it will all dislodge.
DM: “I hate manure!”
Inferian: Worgs are jerks.
Another door leads out of the room, which the PCs listen at. They hear nothing, so reform their marching order. Falgrim attempts to shove the doors open, realizes it is only one door, and elects to simply smash the door open!
Falgrim: The half-doors. I just open the top half and leave the bottom half for you guys.
Inferian: “Stop doing that. I cast Reduce Person.”
Falgrim: It’s even worse for you.
Inferian: I’m 6’3” for some reason.
Falgrim: I’m about as tall as a dwarf can get, which is 4’5”.
Inferian: You’re hated amongst your people for your overt stature.
Falgrim: I make up for it by being extra-stout. Like Guiness.
Inferian: So you’re tall and fat.
A long pause.
Valiha: Better than tall and skinny with a voice like you smoke six packs a day.
Inferian: “I’m not on trial here.”
Valiha: YES YOU ARE.
Calinai yells at Inferian for talking normally (since he refuses to use his raspy voice OOC). The next room is an armory full of rusted weapons, everyone one of them a mimic. The group begins searching.
DM: Against the short swords… (phone beep!) and halberds and such… there’s a text message…
Inferian: I answer it.
DM: Oooh… oh god. Red Lobster.
DM: Four course meal for fifteen dollars.
DM: Plus the biscuits.
After finding this bargain offer from the Age of Legends (and mocking D&D 4.0), they find a working crossbow and many salvageable weapons. Again, they listen at the next door, this time hearing flowing water. They enter, discovering that the door opens onto a bridge over a great chasm. Water falls from great fissures on each side wall down a hundred feet or so. Falgrim and Calinai Spot an oddity about the bridge – it seems to have a slimy coating.
DM: As you stare at it, you actually begin to see the outlines of it. It’s a rather cube-shaped—
Falgrim: Awww, crap. Gelatinous Cube.
Calinai: “Well it’s a good thing we didn’t open THAT door.” (indicating the door behind the cube, which leads to the entrance hall)
Falgrim: I just shout, “CUUUUUUUUUUUUBE!”
Falgrim: I shout in your head, “CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUBE!”
DM: Falgrim’s panic fills your head as you recoil in horror, realizing you’ve stepped right in front of it, and it now wants very much to engulf you as you roll for initiative.
Calinai goes first, and rolls boxcars on her Fiery Burst damage. Valiha fires a flaming crossbow bolt. Inferian wreaks havoc with a steel d20; Falgrim attempts to take it from him. Inferian pretends to swallow it. The usual run of swallowing-dice jokes ensues.
Inferian: All right, I just swallowed 24d6. In a few hours I’ll be rolling up a new character.
Valiha: I’m disgusted.
Calinai: Oh look, that’s an 18… what if you have to reroll it?
Inferian: Awwwww…. Appendicitis later.
Calinai: Inferian, have you been eating dice you’ve shit out?
Falgrim: E. coli, huh?
Inferian: Circle of life! Human Centipede of Dice!
Valiha’s bolt hits, as does Inferian’s energy ray. Falgrim Power Attacks it to death, but it acted simultaneously to roll over Falgrim and Inferian; the latter makes his Reflex saving throw to not be engulfed, the former Fort saves against its acid and is not paralyzed. They clear it off the bridge.
Falgrim: “This is my bridge now! Who wants to pay a toll!” (looking at the map, which overtly connects the door behind the cube to the entranceway) “Well, if me underground senses serve, that door ahead of us leads to where we came in! Not at all meta at all.”
Inferian: “You’re a jerk.”
Calinai: “Well I was drawing this awesome map!”
Acting by the old maxim of ‘explore everything before getting to the boss’, they head forward and towards the hall they have yet to go down. Rounding the corner, they find
thousands of chokers a chokepoint leading up to a door, which of course they listen at. Hearing water, they step in. Calinai insists they have found the bathroom and are bursting in on kobolds taking poos. Inside, they find a fountain, along with a book sitting on top of pedestal. They open the book to find it written entirely in the Olde Tongue, which every party member can speak and read. It is accounts dating from the Breaking
Inferian: (laughing) “We cannot get out!”
DM: Nothing of that sort, this appears to have been contributed to by several authors, the hands are very different.
Inferian: “We cannot get out.” “Yes ,we cannot get out.” “They are correct.”
Calinai puts the book in her pack for later perusal. Calinai also starts complaining about the computers in Jurassic Park, vigorously as always.
Inferian: Calinai is mad about something, didn’t see that one coming.
Calinai: Why do you keep bringing it up then, like you’re surprised?! Inferian is making a retarded comment, this is no surprise!
Valiha: There’s a shock.
Falgrim: It elicited a reaction out of you, therefore I think he succeeded.
Calinai: Well I get to make him feel pain, though, after he laughs too hard. Dumbass. I think I win! I don’t feel pain!
Inferian: (laughing and wincing) No, it’s bleeding now! Whyyy?
Calinai: See, I’ve won, I turned it on him. One day I’ll make him laugh so hard he’ll shit himself. It’s my ultimate goal!
Inferian: Is this your fondest wish, to have me shit myself in your house?
Calinai: I just want it to happen so bad!
Falgrim: I expect you to run up to the bathroom to take care of it, not like drop your trousers and rub your ass against the carpet.
They search the fountain! The water is good if a bit mineral. It is also apparently Gummiberry Juice. The group begins to move on.
Inferian: Awww, a natural 1 to listen at the next door.
DM: There’s a bugbear army outside the door.
Inferian: “There are a lot of bugbears on the other side of this door.”
DM: They invite you to come out and share meat and mead.
Inferian: “They seem oddly friendly… I suspect it’s a trap!”
DM: I suspect you’re slowly going insane!
Falgrim: “Aye, it sounds like it’s, uh… it’s interesting!”
Inferian: “If they’re aware of us perhaps we should go out and around the other way.”
Falgrim: “All right, let’s go back around then!”
They do just that, travelling the entire path around the outside of the dungeon to the other side of this door. It is just the hallway.
Calinai: “WE WENT ALL THE WAY AROUND FOR NOTHING! What were you listening to? WHAT WERE YOU LISTENING TO!”
DM: Apparently the bugbear army has doubled back.
Inferian: “We missed them.”
Calinai: “How did we miss them?! There wasn’t a goblin army!”
Inferian: “You speak with an awful lot of conviction for someone who wasn’t listening at the door!”
Calinai: “WHERE WERE THEY!? We would have SEEN THEM!”
Inferian: “Clearly they went through that door.” (pointing at the final door)
Falgrim: “Then use your ears and listen at that one. And don’t roll another one, he said meta-ly.”
DM: You hear—
Inferian: A bugbear army!
Though the door is held fast, Inferian hears the sounds of combat! He recalls the keyring and bids Falgrin produce it. After a moment of sorting, Falgrim tries the crystalo key. Using the key produces a loud chime and a rush of air. They burst into the room. The DM sets up a small skirmish, featuring a sorceress and her fighter companion dueling with a number of bugbears – plus two large, misshapen trollocs and a half-man! …but it’s late. The game ends there, with the DM laughing at how they went exploring the entire dungeon instead of simply marching to the end. Stupid players!