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The Dragon of Life

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[Dec. 8th, 2011|08:40 pm]
The Dragon of Life
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Inferian: I can’t wait till I get Energy Ball as a power.
Calinai: …why did you make Brolly as a character? “KAKAROTTO—“ You need an archenemy that you scream out every now and then.

For no clear reason, this session begins with the (admittedly well-deserved) savaging of Uwe Boll. Inferian, to bring thing backs on track, begins replacing one word of every psiconic power with ‘ass’.

Inferian: Hey Falgrim. Anchored Ass.
Falgrim: Nice.
Inferian: Assimmilate. Ass Caravan. Ass Alteration. Psionic Ass.
DM: If you remember, last time you made an uneventful trip back to Ilian’s capital city.
Inferian: Bite of the Ass.
DM: You had just come upon the city at daybreak –
Inferian: Breath of the Black Ass… that’s not right.
DM: Casting random spells apparently, as you approach the city. The archers have opened fire.
Calinai: I of course have moved away, with the words, “I don’t know him!”
DM: Fortunately the arrows are absorbed by all the mysterious asses that you’ve conjured for no apparent reason.
Inferian: I cast Mass Cloud Ass.
DM: Yes, it’s just like Braveheart, a whole bunch of asses being shot.
Valiha: Bravefart.
Inferian: Ass Whip.
DM: As you approach the city gates—
Inferian: Empty Ass.

Calinai furiously wrestles the book away from Inferian.

Inferian: I’m gonna need that…
Calinai: I don’t care. You will get it when the time comes.
DM: Take a hundred experience, Calinai.
Calinai: Thank you.

Finally entering the gates, the party – specifically Calinai – is greeted by the guards and given immediate escort to the king. No choice in the matter.

DM: A half-dozen of the guard emerges to escort you swiftly to the castle.
Calinai: (calling back to a previous brilliant plan) “Free hats! Free hats!” She does wear like a classic witches’ hat, by the way, like… a straight-up classic witches’ hat.
DM: Hoo boy.
Inferian: “Witch! Burn her!” “Burn the witch!” “Burn the very obvious witch!”
DM: “Let her sweep the floor, first, she’s got a broom!”
Inferian: “Oh. Another one escaped. Why do we always have them sweep the floor first!?”

Calinai vows to put a witch-dunking test in the front yard of her house, when she gets one. The group reaches the palace.

DM: The royal guard crosses its spears as you come upon the palace location.
Calinai: Actual guards: “Who goes there?!” “We’re in the castle, we need to let them in!” “Nope, can’t go there.”
Inferian: This isn’t my campaign.
Calinai: Fuck! Another dumbass guard!
DM: The spacious seating area is ornate and adorned. If there were a rogue amongst you he’d probably begin salivating to see all the wealth expended here and on display. The throne room lies, you would assume to the front, with a pair of large double doors, but the guardsmen escort you to a side chamber on the right, an ornate but otherwise regular-sized door. He opens it for you, swings it inwards, and bids you to enter.
Inferian: Enteeeeeeer.
Falgrim: Riiiiiiise.
DM: When you’re all in, the door closes –
Inferian: Ominously.
Falgrim: And locks.
DM: Behind you—
Inferian: Flames burst out.
DM: It’s a room not unlike this one, actually, in terms of size, and…
Falgrim: A bunch of lazy-ass fucks playing board games.
DM: A long table is in the middle, with about six seats. At the head of the table furthest from you, the king himself sits.
Calinai: In his human form?
DM: Yes, the room is about this size.
Calinai: All we see is his head sticking out what looks like a giant dog door. …Behind are a bunch of people just bathing him.

The king bids them be seated. Falgrim discovers the chairs are not dwarven-sized and the players quickly attempt to accommodate with phone books and a booster seat. As a guardsman brings in a light breakfast, the king motions him over.

Falgrim: Picks me up out of the chair and throws me out.
Inferian: “Get outta here, Shorty!”
DM: Shortly thereafter another chair is brought it.

The group realizes they did this routine with Ralth way back in a different game. Falgrim is placed in a higher chair he can more easily scramble into.

Calinai: I just envision this nice lady coming in, just lifting you up and planting you in the chair.
Falgrim: “My, you are a strong lass.”
Inferian: “I rolled well on my character creation, sir!”
Falgrim: Let’s see here… dwarves weigh quite a bit…
Calinai: Her character sheet is just like “the dwarf picker-upper lady.” Strength 47. Dex 8, Con 7, Int 10, Wisdom 2, why does she still have the job, she doesn’t have the wisdom to get out of it, and Charisma 14, she’s actually fairly pretty.

Calinai briefly retells the tale of finding the tome and all that it implies. They produce the tome to relate its story of the many items they need to seek to protect the seal. The king briefly puts Calinai on the spot about the heartstone object they found and how the elder Sedai took it, leaving the party to flail about with justifications for a moment.

Calinai: “This particular complex had many denzinens… many… mostly creatures that lived there, and some other..” Orcs? Or were they goblins?
Inferian: Bugbears or hobgoblins, I can never remember which one is which.
DM: They were…
Falgrim: I think they were bugbears.
Calinai: Were they bugbears?
DM: I believe…
Inferian: For some reason every time I hear bugbear or hobgoblin, I swap the two.
DM: I kept saying the wrong thing because of that other campaign.
Inferian: It’s just those two, really, bugbears and hobgoblin!
DM: They were bugbears.
Falgrim: I think in one of your reports we mentioned all three of the goblinoids.

The king observes their findings, noting that though the nature of the seal is a mystery, they do seem to have directions to some of the other sealing objects’ locations.

Inferian: “With respect, Your Majesty, I think it would be unwise not to seek out the other ones before less-savory sorts get their hands on them.”
DM: “Speaking of less-savory sorts.”
Inferian: “Hi guys!”
Falgrim: “They arrived here just before you did. I’m sorry.”
Inferian: I was more going for, “Speaking of less-savory sorts, you’re all going to the dungeon. You know too much!”
Valiha: Shit!
Calinai: “But know that you’ve known too much…” (making a gesture of ripping off a mask) “Peewee Herman?!”
Inferian: Hey, this isn’t Peewee Herman at all, it’s a mask as well! (another mask-rip-off gesture) Paul Reubens!?

The King subtly hints that they should return the items to him instead of the Sedai, in exchange for his gratitude, hint hint. He then grants them leave to stay the night in the castle at his hospitality. In turn, the group agrees to stay together to continue their quest.

Calinai: Falgrim’s like, “Nope, I’m gonna go off on my own side-adventure.”
DM: “Not missing the cold craggy north of the border yet, Master Dwarf?”
Falgrim: “Not missing it yet, m’lord. I’m more needed here. I’ll probably send word back up north sayin’ I wil be delayed for a time.”
Calinai: “Whores and beer.”
Falgrim: “But I feel this is more important.”
DM: “I cannot argue that. Wish there were more dwarves like you.”
Falgrim: “There are, there’ll all up north.”

Inferian notes that his own goal of vengeance against his former homeland’s corrupt rulers would be difficult if the world is rent. The king agrees, but points to the book.

DM: “Going by the notations in this… admittedly overly-large tome, that might be one of the directions you’re travelling in.”
Inferian: We’ll solve that tome size problem. Stab! (making an approximation of Mario losing the mushroom powerup sound effect)
DM: “It’s that easy?!” How come that’s not the first spell in the Great Book of Gummi: make that damn thing into a carryable size.
Inferian: Maybe it was and Zummi just sucked at doing it.
DM: Yeah, Zummi sucked at most things.

Once again, we’re discussing Gummi Bears, as Inferian relates the plot of a particular episode. Calinai complains about the Smurfs not being consistent.

Calinai: I wonder what Gargamel wants to do in the movie. Does he want to eat them… does he want to change them to gold… Or maybe he’ll have a new activity. Maybe he wants to rape ‘em.
Inferian: Soda, please. Speaking of raping, take that, my teeth!
Calinai: Real sugar, really eats away at your teeth.
DM: Well, sugar is sugar, your body can’t tell the difference, according to those corn people. If they really wanted to attack sugar’s merits, they should be like, “It rots your teeth faster, corn sugar doesn’t rot your teeth!”
Inferian: “Sugar is made from canes. Canes are what they use to beat people in Singapore. You never heard of anybody in Singapore getting beat by a corn, did you? Buy corn sugar.”
Calinai: And the response sugar commercial is just like people throwing corn, corn just like gouging people’s eyes… “The corn people don’t want you to know about the corn wars in South America.” There’s this general, he has a corn soldier… still injured… “Still hurt right there. Corn did this. Not sugar. Not canes.”
Inferian: They recut the opening of Saving Private Ryan, replacing all bullets and explosions with corn. Instead of mines blowing up and mortars, it’s popcorn popping.
DM: Like taking a big old bite out of a watermelon and… (pretending to spit seeds)
Inferian: Well now we’re getting the watermelon people involved!
Calinai: They made a mistake, because now the watermelons and the corn people have joined forces. An even more ridiculous fruit is born. Half corn, half watermelon. All STUPID.
Inferian: You open up the watermelon, but instead of seeds it has corn.
Calinai: This is a horrible idea!

The players settle in and prepare for assassins all night, though the DM points out that only the boldest assassins would dare mess with King Swerengin. The group breaks up to take care of various business. Inferian rolls a 37 on his Sense Motive to notice the servant who attends him seems to have something more to say before he leaves.

DM: He turns around, starts to open the door.
Inferian: I clear my throat politely, as a sort of indicator that he may…
Calinai: Roll to see if you have control over it.
DM: Really.
Inferian: Concentration? 29.
Calinai: He coulda failed…

The servant hints that the King usually strolls in the gardens, if Inferian would care to speak with him more privately. Falgrim takes a bath.

DM: These are probably quarters meant to house visiting Curanian nobility and business brokers.
Inferian: (universal halfling voice) “What are you doing in my room, sir?”
DM: Heh heh, yeah, if you guys chance to visit that kingdom…
Inferian: “Hello, sir!” “Hello, sir!” “Hello, sir!” (actually going back in-character) “Falgrim.”
Falgrim: “Aye?”
Inferian: “While we have a chance I wish to discuss something with you.”
Falgrim: “All right. Does it involve bubbles?”
Inferian: “No. Possibly frothing bubbling blood later…”
Falgrim: “Well that’s my kinda talk too!”
DM: The serving girls that were sent to attend you in your bath immediately leave!
Falgrim: Pale and walk away.
Inferian: “That’s for the best.”
Calinai: And he’s like “No. No it wasn’t.”
Inferian: They were human, what was he gonna look at? Their unnaturally thin waists?

A long pause broken occasionally by immature chortling.

Falgrim: “That’s all right, let’s go on, what’d you want to talk about?”
Inferian: “As His Majesty noted, I am from Terraina. Although I no longer call that home. It is a corrupt and degenerate place.”
Falgrim: “Most kingdoms are.”
Inferian: “This one more than most. A matter of great injustice will take me back there someday, One of the reasons I came to this kingdom – though I seem to have been distracted from that purpose somehow – was to seek out comrades who would be willing to assist me, in return for a proper recompense once the job was done.”
Falgrim: “Just knowin’ the job’s well-done is good enough for me, lad, I’d be more’n happy ta help ya. You’re a good comrade in combat. Be happy to be along with ya at yer side.”
Inferian: “What I seek is no less than an overthrow of the very aristocracy there. Don’t be so quick to throw in.”
Calinai: He’s like, “Whoa whoa whoa, I got money invested in this kingdom!”
Falgrim: “If it’s truly as corrupt as you say, I guess he deserves it!”
Calinai: He’s like, “Wait, wait, is it THIS corrupt nation? They make the best beer! I don’t think I can be a part of this…”
Falgrim: “We’re on the edge of the end of the world here, we might as well go out with a bang!”
Inferian: “…interesting philosophy. It seems that preventing the end of the world has taken precedence over my current duties… and in the long term that would perhaps be for the best.”

Valiha is approached by a chambermaid, who regretfully reports they can’t make the food she’s accustomed to – and then the King himself appears at the door.

Calinai: “I’m gonna rape you, bitch!”
Inferian: Roll for initiative!
DM: I knew it would be one of you, I didn’t know which one of you it would be.
Inferian: We were all thinking it.

The tasteless jokes continue for a bit, in horrible fashion. Valiha welcomes the king into her room.

DM: “You may have wondered why, out of all the people in your party, your origins and intentions aroused the least amount of curiosity in me.”
Inferian: “You’re a woman. I don’t care about your backstory.”
DM: “’Cux elves that are obviously from the waste, seen on this side of the mountains, are a thing usually… proceeding from a ringing a phone!”

Valiha awkwardly answers her phone. Inferian meanwhile tips the serving lad who’d tipped him off. Valiha returns to mockery about how she shouted “PENISPENISPENISPENIS” while someone was on a phone interview, and promptly leaves again. The DM explains that elves on this side of the mountain usually means trouble, but Valiha probably meant well by virtue of not insanely stabbing everyone around her. The wastes and those from it are just that bad.

DM: …where WAS the King…
Valiha: Supposedly taking my clothes off.
DM: He’d posed a statement in the form of a question… and I’ll continue on with that statement, “by saying…” What did I say?
Inferian: Elves in the waste, something something.
DM: Oh yeah. “While simple curiosity may be the outstanding reason for your being here, I’ll take it on good faith that you aren’t here as the precursor of more elven trouble.”
Valiha: “I left of my own accord. If I go back it will be of my own accord. I’m not reporting to anybody or trying to foment unrest, if that’s your concern.”
DM: “Last time your tribes crossed the Wall, there was a great deal of trouble. You may not be old enough to remember this, but… most of the realm wishes never to see your people again.”
Inferian: “Except naked.”
Calinai: “Dancing at the local bar.”
Inferian: “You do have Performance(dance), right?”
DM: It’s not Wes sitting here!

The king politely interrogates her on her connection with her tribe, seeking to find if she or someone she knows might have influence within the it, but tells her not to answer immediately.

DM: And he leaves the way he came. Notably, without rape.
Valiha: Yay.
Inferian: So it was all consensual.
DM: Or any Calrissian-esque advances thinly veiled as common courtesy.
Falgrim: “My, what do we have here?”
DM: “You truly belong with us down here in the South.”
Falgrim: “That shot came from the…. Death Star.”
DM: “That dwarf’s gotta buy me more time!”

The party meets up to distribute loot. They come up with three lists across two characters and attempt to reconcile it with much irritation. The DM notes that Swerengin’s character is difficult, due to the canonical character being so astoundingly vulgar. After calculating, Falgrim announces everyone gets 1400 gold and change. Inferian acts on the tip left by the servant and heads for the gardens.

DM: You don’t have to wander very long before you come upon the king, strolling through the gardens, hands clasped behind him.
Inferian: He’s offended by my presence and throws me in jail.
DM: Should I just make one of these come true? You guys are all waiting for the other shoe to drop… I’m not trying so hard to kill you just yet.
Calinai: It’s better if we’re assuming. Keeps us safe.
DM: Hmm, yes…. (bursting into malicious cackling) Ooh, I was channeling Inferian.
Falgrim: Feels good, doesn’t it?
DM: “Come on, walk beside me. Don’t be shy.”
Inferian: I bow formally, then join at his request.
DM: He can’t see you, his back is turned.
Inferian: Nevertheless. It’s proper protocol… also he’s a goddamn dragon, I’m not making any assumptions here.
DM: “The bow is unnecessary but the gesture is appreciated.”
Inferian: SEE! SEE! I KNEW IT!
Calinai: “I am insulted by you bowing at me.”
DM: “In jail! Clap him in irons.” As you step up to walk beside him on the path… “Earlier before I made a statement as to my curiosity as to how you fit in to this little group you’ve found yourself among. You answered my statement with another statement about what your intentions were. I supposed it was supposed to be… curiosity-evoking in me.”
Inferian: “I admit I was curious about why you didn’t press me further on why I hadn’t answered your question, in fact.”
DM: “Well, since it wasn’t so much a question as it was a statement, designed to be interpreted depending on what type of personality you might have…”
Calinai: Seems to be a rich amount of bullshit in this conversation.
DM: “Why don’t you elaborate for me now?”
Inferian: “My powers are those of the mind rather than magical energies.”
DM: “Mind over matter, eh.”
Inferian: “I know very few but I’m very good at the ones I know.”
DM: “I’ve encountered your kind before, but usually you come a little taller.”
Calinai> (bursts into laughter)
Inferian: He means half-giant.
DM: See, you know when it’s you, now YOU’re like, “Okay, you’re of the same sex so he’s not about to rape you…” But he’s also not insulting him.
Calinai: I think he IS! He’s like, “You’re a little short to be a psychic warrior.”
Inferian: “Aren’t you a little short for a warrior?”
Calinai: The moment he said it, that whole scene played out in my head, and I was like, oh no…
DM: You’ve doubtlessly come to the conclusion that he’s referring to half-giants.
Calinai: Incorrectly. He corrects you. “I’m not referring to…”
Inferian: Thri-kreen, you moron.
DM: “Is this an art that they were inclined to teach you, or did you have other methods of coming across your special set of abilities?”
Inferian: “Seems to be a gift. I developed it only in spontaneous bursts.”
DM: “A gift? You can return a gift.”
Inferian: “A curse, then, but one I intend to use for my own benefit.”
DM: “That’s the kind of response I like. “
Inferian: “Your Majesty, I wish to pose a question to you, if it is not too forward.”
Inferian: “On the nature of politics.”
DM: “Well they can tend to get on the boring side… there can be an abundance of byplay in politics. But regardless, questions are always an entertaining and often lucrative form of discourse. By all means.”
Inferian: “Hypothetically then, what would you think if the aristocracy of Terraina were to fall?”
DM: “I would think it would be virgin territory for a man who knows how to open up new markets.”
Inferian: “Then Your Majesty would be in favor of such things.”
DM: “If I had a guarantee of victory, I would march on them now without even provocation. They’ve been a thorn in this kingdom’s side since before… before even I put on that stupid crown.” He’s not wearing it at the moment.
Falgrim: (makes crown-tossing gesture)
Inferian: (ludicrous chamberlain accent) “Oh, His Majesty has thrown away another crown. Fetch the goldsmiths, have them a new one,” While some peasant out in the marketplace: “I’m rich!”
DM: “Believe me, it seemed like a good idea at the time. Although now, looking back, perhaps I should have turned the palace to so much rubble. But these are my people now, and Terraina embodies all that this nation stands against.”
Inferian: “Then I shall hope for a future where someone will be able to provide His Majesty with a solution to that problem. Perhaps once this little mess has settled down somewhat.”
DM: “I’m inclined to think the situation will get worse before it gets better. However, were it something that was already on the verge of coming to a head, I doubt it would have been a small group of shadowspawn you faced in the dark. I’ll take this opportunity to tell you that certain whispers comes to me from various individuals…”
Inferian: “Like THAT guy!” “Your Majesty, I’m a spy, please don’t go pointing me out.” “Aaaah, it’s too late, come on out, everybody this is Bill, Bill the Spy.”
DM: Bill the Spy. “He’s a good spy.”
Inferian: “Or he was! Ha ha ha ha Bill you’re useless to me now, you’re fired.”
Calinai: “But I don’t work for you.”
DM: He’s got one last job for you. (devouring sounds)
Inferian: “Nutrition! You will serve His Majesty’s very cells!”
DM: “Anyhow, rumors have a way of approaching my ears. Once you remove all the ridiculous and the absurd from the crop of ones that come, usually you’ll find a grain of truth in the ones that repeatedly find their ways to my eyes. And it is possible that what the other Sedai told you about the weakening of the seals may have already come to pass. If that is truth, then it won’t be long, if it hasn’t already happened, that the Forsaken will become loose.”
Inferian: “I wouldn’t expect them to be subtle about their new freedom.”
DM: “You might be surprised.”
Calinai: All of a sudden, “I’M FREE! FREE TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD! But since I’m weak at the moment it will take me many days to get to full power! Perhaps I should not have said that out loud!
Inferian: “Then it seems we should hope that their newfound freedom would cause them to act injudiciously, but not prepare for it.”
DM: “Being as they were what they were, they were just as given to fighting amongst themselves as they were working together for their own common goals. If that should become an issue I imagine all of the nations of the world would prepare. As to what I was going to ask of you specifically… a person of your talents, especially one of your breeding… if there was a chance that you would return to your homeland, either in pursuit of the seals or some other purpose as yet unforeseen, I would perhaps ask certain things of you to be done on my behalf. Again, not that there would be a lack of incentive for you to do so, although you would be putting yourself at risk.”
Inferian: “I certainly haven’t done THAT so far.”
DM: “As for your own gain, specifically, I assume, but it does seem someone in your position could do more in the way of personal gain as opposed to the gain of your fellow adventurers there. If you do still intend to hunt for the Horn I would also give a warning as to the coming to fruition of that quest. The Horn itself is a powerful magical object, one that can do things… let’s just say the tales about it are less fancy than they are something concrete.”
Calinai: It just summons four barbarians for three turns.
DM: “Know also that despite the fact you travel with a young Sedai, making more advances along your path will probably bring you under their scrutiny.”
Inferian: “I had no doubt of that already.”
DM: “It is possible I could take steps to lessen the severity of that scrutiny if we were to come to an agreement,”
Falgrim: (who can finally contain his observation on the voices no more) A gravel path is smoother than this conversation.
DM: It’s hard for me to do this voice, not because of the gravelly aspect, but because the character normally speaks with profuse – it has nothing to do with his name, but he usually speaks with an overabundant amount of swearing. Like if he hasn’t said ‘fuck’ or ‘cocksucker’ at the end of every other sentence, you know something is terrible wrong. Usually he wouldn’t refer to the Sedai as ‘the Sedai’, he’d say ‘those cocksucking witches to the north’.
Calinai: Well, they do like to blow their horns a lot…

Swerengrin and Inferian make an agreement to work together for mutual benefit. Inferian pretends to roll Diplomacy.

Inferian: Oh, a natural 1!
DM: “What’s that smell?”
Valiha: Shit your paaaaants!
Inferian: “I’m sorry, sir, I was just killing your son…”
DM: The fart that killed the campaign!
Inferian: Bring me my brown armor.

It turns scatological. Inferian describes his character’s bowel movements as sounding like a cat scratching in a litter box. Noting the king’s garden, the party resolves to never speak of the plant preserve they put to the torch. Swerengin suggests they avail themselves of the castle entertainment.

Calinai: Oh… my God… is there… the world’s fattest lady there?!
DM: It’s not a freak show!
Inferian: There’s one in every campaign!
Calinai: I remember, we got the place, we’re like, “we should see the king immediately!” “No! We’re seeing this fat fucking lady.” The immediate diversion started. And then he disbelieved it. That shit was awesome.
DM: I can’t believe he disbelieved it.

The group laughs at good, fond memories. The party heads off to the entertainment hall!

Falgrim: “Fat lady? I’m in!”
Inferian: (immature snickering) Choice of words, man.
Falgrim: You’re the one who took ‘em the wrong way, asswipe. (pointing at a donut hole box) Look at the size of that Entmann’s box. “Glazed Holes.”

Everyone laughs immaturely. The entertainment consists of interactive games, performers, magicians (crappy sort), a pair of fools in motley… people playing games with dice or stones… and an elf sitting at a small table, who immediately takes note of Valiha.

DM: “Sirs and lady, why don’t you come –“
Calinai: Lady?!
Valiha: Calinai is supposedly a lady.
DM: I know that. She’s apparently left you out. The look on your face was worth it…
Calinai: I was like, someone’s about to explode… in a fire.
Falgrim: “Sirs and lady… ELF! ELF! ELF!”

The elf lady invites them to have their fortune told, producing a deck of cards as she does.

Falgrim: Oh no… It’s a Deck of Many Things!
DM: Now where was that page at?
Calinai: This, of course, can’t go bad.
Inferian: The Void, roll a new character.

The group sideseyes each other as they ponder the horror of Decks of Many Things and wishes. Inferian steps up.

Inferian: I will have my fortune read.
Falgrim: “Who the hell said that?”
Inferian: I did, out of character.
Falgrim: “Who the hell are you?”
Valiha: I’m just going to stand by Inferian. I’m not gonna be mean or anything, I’m just gonna stand there.

Bizarrely and for no reason, the players begin enacting demonstrations of how weak the ring finger is. Calinai is bizarrely enthralled by this. Someone throws an index card at Inferian; he reads what’s on it.

Inferian: Apparently I’m blessed with tits.
Valiha: (cracks up) And suddenly Inferian’s all “Buh-boooooing!”
Falgrim: (in his best Inferian voice) “I’ll be in my room.”
Inferian: “This is odd.”
DM: “A fortune for the dark stranger.”
Inferian: “I’m gonna cast Share Pain on you and you’re gonna feel the weirdest damn sensations.”
Falgrim: “….I…. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t curious.”
Calinai: (whip-crack noises)
Falgrim: “Yer right, that IS strange. I don’t know what to think.”
DM: (gamely soldiering on as he mimics drawing cards) “You’ve come through fires and hatred. Yet you stand now among friends. Your future is clouded. A choice lays ahead of you. A choice between the one and the many. Each choice… good consequences and bad. With you at the center. The evil one!”
Calinai: “Oh!” She faints.
Inferian: “Why does that always happen to me when I get my fortune told?”
Valiha: “’Cuz you’re evil.”
Inferian: “I am not evil.”
DM: “But you are in a shadow.”
Inferian: I look to see who’s standing over me.
Calinai: (pointing to Falgrim) It’s him on stilts.
Inferian: 29 to see if she believes what she’s saying or is just making it up.
Calinai: “She want your money.”
DM: I assume she muttered that to you out of her hearing… You sense there’s a bit of truth to her words, she does want to make some coin off of you, but in terms of what she’s telling you, your instincts tell you that she does believe that the fortune she is telling you is one she believes is coming to her, not making it up off the top of her head.
Inferian: That’s all I was curious about, I would have paid her either way.
Calinai: “You can tell mine…”
DM: She wasn’t quite done with his,
Falgrim: (broad slapping gesture)”WAIT YER TURN!”
Calinai: “You will be presented with a delicious apple pie, but you must not eat it.”
Falgrim: “Screw that!”
Calinai: Eat that apple pie!
DM: “I see in your future… gold. Though what sort of gold I could not say, and how much…”
Inferian: Probably like a gold dragon.
Calinai: “No. Gold Smurfs. They sing to you when you sleep. La, la, la la la la…”
DM: “I see also… a man in white, with fire.”
Calinai: “Gandalf the Gray.”
DM: …in white.
Inferian: He accidentally washed his robes with all his whites, and they became more white… because it was magic wizard wash. Someone tosses in a red sock with Gandalf’s robes, now he’s Gandalf the pink.

His fortune is finished, Inferian leaves proper payment. Calinai steps up for her fortune.

DM: “You, milady—“
Calinai: “Go to hell!”
Valiha: No no, that’s what she says when I step up to get my fortune told.
DM: “The Tower.” That’s the first card she’s laid out for you. “Are you a sister, my lady?”
Calinai: “Yes, a Sedai.”
DM: “Fascinating.. though you don’t have the look. Must be newly raised?”
Calinai: “Somewhat, I don’t tend to flaunt it like the other sisters.”
DM: “Mmm. There should be much in here, in your future. The tall man and the short. One is your friend, one is not.”

Inferian and Falgrim look at each other, then begin laughing.

Inferian: Well that’s awkward!
DM: “A death in the family.”
Calinai: “That doesn’t bode well…”
DM: “Betrayal. The horn. The dragon!” The dragon on the card is not gold, just so you know.
Inferian: “The screwed-over player character.”
Calinai: (randomly, pointing to a diagram in a sourcebook) Look at the size of that half-orc female. Or is that a half-giant female?
DM: “Cold. The Blight.”
Valiha: Eeee!
DM: She’s started to get a haunted expression now, you can tell this is not the sort of fortune she’s accustomed to telling. Mainly because of the number of… I guess with this deck, they’d be called face cards. Whereas with his fortune, it was more generic, you’re getting specific things in places. “The Tower again.”
Calinai: “It ends up back at the Sedai.”
DM: “Fire.”
Calinai: “Corruption… betrayal.”
DM: “The Shadow.” This is typically a very ill card to draw. Not necessarily, if the Shadow comes at the beginning it could be interpreted very different. That is for people who put stock in this sort of thing. That is her fortune for you.
Calinai: “It’s good that there’s much… it leaves me much to think about.”

Calinai pays her fee (around two silver is generous, but haunted by the imagery she drops ten gold for no apparent reason). Falgrim whistles “We’re In the Money”.

Calinai: She’s given me a lot to think about.
Inferian: Like how light my wallet is for some reason!
DM: “My honor to tell your fortune, lady Sedai.”
Calinai: “As it was mine to receive it.” (eyeing Falgrim) He’s gonna have the happy one. “There’s gonna be drinking.”
Inferian: “Beer. The Beer Keg. The Beer Tree. The Beer Fountain.”
Calinai: “The River.”
Falgrim: It always comes up the same for us dwarves.
Inferian: “The Drunk Man. The Happy Drunk.”
Falgrim: “If it’s not too much trouble, I’d like to have mine read now.”
Inferian: “The Beard On Fire?! Oh no!”
Valiha: “Me beard!”
Calinai: There’s a specific card for that.
DM: “My pleasure, master dwarf.” (miming the drawing of a card) “Earth.”
Inferian: “Fire!”
Valiha: “Wind!”
DM: There will be no summoning Captain Planet at this table. …I got an infraction for that on a message board.
Inferian: “He’s an epic multi-class, and he’s gonna kick the tarresque’s ass!”
DM: “Earth. Shadow. The Warrior. The Road. The Tower.”
Falgrim: “The Confusion.”
DM: Well, there are many who don’t hold stock in such things. They reason that the way the fortunetellers tell it it’s the final sequence of things that are laid out, is what makes the fortune make sense, but the detractors say that it’s mainly the person putting the card down who’s going to project something on to it. She looks. “The Giant. The Dragon. Vice.” There’s one final card in her hand. “The Sun.”
Falgrim: Don’t tell me, I can try to figure it out. “Uhhhhhhhh. Hmmmmmmm. My brain popped… Very interesting. Thank ya, milady.” Bing! (flipping a coin)
DM: “The thanks is mine to give. You seem to be a great fighting dwarf.”
Falgrim: “I’m up from Shynar, it’s all we know.”

The fortuneteller and Falgrim both muse on what the Giant could mean, as it’s an odd thing to come up on the reading. The Sun promises him glory as well.

Valiha: You guys leaving?
Calinai: We’re moving on to the next attraction.
Inferian: The fat lady.
Calinai: No, it’s the same lady but wearing a different outfit, she’s running ALL the carnival stands. “Come one, see all! Hit the little UFO and get a prize, yeaaaah!”

Valiha steps up. The fortuneteller silently begins laying cards down on the table.

Calinai: Dirty. Elf. Dirty. Elf. Dirty. Elf. Dirty. Elf! Dirty! Elf! Dirty! Elf!
Valiha: That wouldn’t surprise me.
DM: The cards she lays down are the Sun—
Calinai: Noose.
DM: The Rogue, the Dragon, the Tower, the Rogue again, she only has a few left now… This card is akin to the Shadow card, the card itself is called the Shadowman. It’s just the outline of a man’s silhouette.
Calinai: It’s Waluigi! …you see on the card, on the back, it says “Who’s that Pokemon?”
DM: The Tree. The Hearth. When she sees that you’ve read them all, she sweeps them, gathers them up, and excuses herself.
Valiha: I don’t get a good explanation.
DM: If you were to bet your guess, she probably didn’t want to risk the wrath of your displeasure at her interpretation.

The games continue. Valiha briefly converses with a noble who had also been hoping for a reading, confirming that the elf had come on a caravan that had a stereotypically bad reputation. The noble regrets that he couldn’t get his pots mended by the caravan.

Inferian: I like that this noble guy in the middle of a court is looking for itinerant elves to mend his pots.
DM: Well that race generally is know for being able to mend things and have them better than they were before.
Inferian: The court pot-mender is just a cheapass.
DM: Well he could have new ones bought.
Inferian: He’s a corrupt pot-mender.
DM: But, you know, why bother?
Inferian: He replaces your fine golden noble pots with copper pots with a gold patina.

This odd discussion about the kitchenware habits of Ilianer nobles goes on for an unusually long time.

DM: Unless there was a game one of the lords or ladies wished to try their hands at?
Inferian: “Not particularly. More likely to lose my money than gain any.”
DM: Wise. TOO wise.
DM: All the lights in the room go out!
Inferian: By royal decree all must play at Lord Cheatington’s Cheatorama Palace or be taken to the duingeon!
DM: Lord Cheatington! (laughing)
Inferian: He just gives kickbacks to the king, it’s the perfect scam.

The hour grows late by fiat, so the party heads to their rooms to be assassinated. Or sleep. Who can tell? Inferian drops a die.

Valiha: It’s under the center of that chair.
Inferian: I know where it is, I’m just trying to figure out the best way to get at it.
Valiha: That’s what SHE said.
DM: That’s one of the best uses of that term I’ve heard in quite a long time.
Falgrim: Oyyyy yi yi.

The party spends a good and comfortable night, then don their formal clothing for an audience with the king. Falgrim’s army is so shiny they propose to reflect sunlight off it to slay dire ants. With pomp and circumstance they enter the throne room, to find Swerengin on the dais. The group mocks Iglar.

DM: “Good morning, you cocksuckers!”
Inferian: “How’d he know!? He’s on to us! Run!”
DM: “Especially you, Inferian, you son of a bitch!”
Inferian: “The raspy throat just gives it more sensation.”
DM: “Have you come to give me your fucking answer?” No… no…
Inferian: I don’t know why he’s NOT talking like this.
Valiha: He wants the campaign to have a little more class than that.
Calinai: Yeah, we bring enough not-class to it.

Swerengin rises to stand before them. The group discovers that the donut box says “Glazed Holes” on every side and Falgrim promptly starts destroying it.

DM: “So, my honored guests. Have you come to your official decision?
Inferian: “Aaaaaaaye!”

The group agrees to do the task they’d agreed to do, in more pompous and glorious speeches. The King inquires as to which direction they’ll be travelling; they select the north. Conveniently, the caravan outside the walls is heading for the north! The party gathers up their stuff, and are given their choice of mounts from the stables. Soon they are on their way, heading outside the city and past the caravan outside, which looks empty! However, as they close the distance, they spy a crowd of people on the other side.

DM: You can also hear the sound of a couple of women weeping.
Inferian: “Uh-oh.”
Valiha: “Uh-oh.”
Inferian: “I didn’t do it.”
Valiha: “Neither did I.”
Falgrim: “Guilty consciences, both of you!”
DM: Out of nowhere a boat appears, right in the middle of the road.

In fact, however, over the crowd the group spies a half-dozen large men, all wearing uniforms. They are kicking an elf brutally as he lies on the ground. Inferian gleefully starts demanding tacticals to plot his attacks. These are Whitecloaks, a rather Knight Templar-ish organization which are generally known to the characters.

Inferian: I’ll call out, “Step away from them now, this is your only warning!” in my raspy voice that I’m not gonna do loud.
DM: Understandable.
Falgrim: “Step away from ‘im lest ye want t’taste Shynar steel, ya dogs!” Rolling a 22 on my Intimidation check.
Valiha: I’m just gonna raise my sword over my head and let out one of the waste-elven warcries.
Inferian: “Hee-HAW! Hee-HAW!”
Valiha: I hate you, Inferian.

The Whitecloak demands to know who they are, boastfully and proudly. And insulting Falgrim. And Valiha. Calinai, however, has fallen completely asleep… and is vigorously mocked for that fact. The conversation, however, swiftly comes to violence… which, given the hour, results in the combat being deferred to the next session. Thus the game ends with the promise of a Whitecloak ass-kicking!